Alaska Barbies

Some of the references may be inside jokes that only Alaskans get, but I think you’ll still find these humorous, too.

Anchorage Barbie:
This fit Barbie has a graduate degree in science, resources management,
and/or is an environmental lawyer. Comes with brand new Subaru with roof
rack holding skate skis and a kayak. Accessories include running tights,
cross-trainer shoes, a husky named Kobuk, and a cell phone. Boyfriend Ken
comes in seasonally employed climbing guide, fishing guide, or Girdwood
bartender models.
Sold at New Sagaya.

Wasilla Barbie:
This Barbie comes with big hair, country music CDs, a .44 Magnum and a
bible. Weekender Kit includes snow machine, 4-wheeler, and fishing boat.
Brand new duplex dream house and lake cabin are also available (sold
separately). Ken comes with a Ford F-350 Diesel pick-u truck with gun rack
and trailer, his own snow machine, 4-wheeler, boat, and .44 Magnum. Ken is
available every other two weeks when he is not working on the Slope.
Alternative Military Ken available by special order.
Sold at Wasilla Wal-Mart.

Fairbanks Barbie:
This graduate school Barbie kit includes a tiny cabin with detached
outhouse. This Barbie has hairy legs, hat hair, and a fleece jacket
covered with dog fur. Accessories include extra long johns, shower bag,
head lamp, case of Ramen noodles, and bug dope. Also available is a
beater, 1979 model Subaru, complete with plug-in, ice scraper, shovel, and
set of studded tires. Ken is either at the Marlin, the Howling Dog, the
Loon, out hunting, doing field work, or is long gone.
Sold at Big Rays.

Ketchikan Barbie:
K-town Barbie lives in an old leaky sailboat that is moored down in Thomas
Basin — in a slip that is conveniently located just off the ramp directly
below the Potlatch Bar. For basic transport, she runs a beat up old 18′
skiff that has a rundown Johnson 30 hp outboard that leaks oil. She can
out fish most any old Norwegian bachelor fisherman; can cut down old
growth cedars faster than most any drunken old Swede logger; and can shoot
and skin black tail deer that foolishly wander down to beach at sunset
faster than any alcohol fueled Finn bushwhacker. Her Ken can be found
anytime, day or night, on the deck of the Alaskan Bar pontificating —
often with wild, exaggerated arm waiving and finger pointing — as to
exactly where the Bridge to Nowhere is going to land over on Pennock Island

Sitka Barbie:
Sitka Barbie has most of the same endearments as K-town Barbie except she
recently shot her Ken in what is colloquially known as a Sitka divorce.
She took the life insurance money and purchased a brand new 26′ Hewescraft
“Alaskan” with enclosed heated cabin and a 200 hp Honda outboard.
Sold only at a kiosk on the cruise ship dock during June, July & August.

Barrow Barbie:
This Barbie comes with blonde hair with dark roots, kuspuk and parka.
Accessories include a 650cc Skidoo snow machine, tiny ulu and baleen
carving kit. Ken alternates between being a whaling captain and working
for the North Slope Borough.
Available at the northern most KFC store.

Juneau Barbie:
This Barbie comes with membership cards for the Alaska Democratic Party,
AFSME/AFL-CIO and Alaska Conservation Voters, little red X-tra Tuff boots
and an un-used fishing outfit. She lives in tiny apartment above an
obscure bar and works as a secretary in the State Office Building. Drives
rusty Subaru Forester, but has peeled the “Forester” lettering off because
she feels that logging is evil. Ken claims to be a fisherman, but actually
he is also a secretary in the State Office Building.
Available in gift shop at the Baranof.

Bethel Barbie:
This Barbie has a teensy little substance abuse problem, but she has
admitted that she has a problem and is working on it. Comes with just two
outfits, both from Value Village in Anchorage. She likes to shop, but
since this entails buying a ticket to Anchorage, it’s not much of an
option any more. Comes with a house consisting of a cardboard refrigerator
box and 2 sleeping bags. Ken lives in the box next door.
Available on special order from Costco in Anchorage

Ft. Yukon Barbie:
This Barbie comes with a Honda Big Red, a 24 foot boat with ancient
outboard that would better be kept in the Evinrude Museum, hip boots,
little marten trapper hat and snogo suit. She lives in a nice little log
house and goes to all the basketball games. A lot of her groceries are
flown in too, but she is outfitted with a selection of knives and knows
how to cut fish, skin a lynx AND pack moose. Ken is not in town much. He
claims to be on the trapline or at fish camp, but someone saw him in
Fairbanks.

Valdez Barbie:
This Barbie was not born here, comes with an Alyeska modular or a brand
new cookie cutter house by Stan Peterson. This Barbie is best
accessorized with an Alyeska husband. She drives a brand new Chevy
Suburban, or other large 4×4 vehicle, needs it to get her over Thompson
Pass when it has snowed 5′ overnight. Has 2.5 children and runs all over
town shuttling them from event to event. She typically does not mind the
snow or rain, but is always complaining about the weather regardless.
Valdez Barbie also spends her weekends shopping in Anchorage although she
could get the same thing at the Prospector or so the ad says.

Kenai Barbie
Kenai Barbie is just a weekend Anchorage Barbie that fishes.

Homer Barbie
Homer Barbie spends summers on the Spit and winters going from protest to
protest, also hears voices in her head.

Copper Center Barbie:
Lives off the grid, hauls water in a huge tank on the back of her vintage
Ford pickup truck. Most often accessorized with Barbie’s friend Midge, no
need for a Ken doll, but enjoys having Allan, Skipper, Scooter, Francie
and Ricky around to play cards on those long dark winter nights. This
Barbie owns a 4-wheeler, solar panels and sometimes grows pot in her shed
out back. She enjoys mushing dogs, and actually prefers them to people.

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